Have no fear Acts 15:1-2, 22-29; Ps 67:2-3, 5, 6, 8; Rv 21:10-14, 22-23; Jn 14:23-29 My 2-year-old nephew got me through a difficult time in the middle of my doctoral program. During this time, I was in a constant state of anxiety. I was exhausted and completely drained. I was seriously considering dropping out of the program because I felt that I would fail. Even though I strongly felt that I did not have what it takes to complete a doctorate, I also felt strongly that I could not quit. Something inside of me told me I had to keep going. So, even though my heart was troubled (Jn 14:1, 27), I decided to hold on just a little longer. When I went home to be with my family for Christmas, all I wanted to do was stay at home and spend time with my little nephew. However, I did not feel like I could take time off to rest. So, every day I would go to the public library to work on my dissertation. My nephew knew that I went to the library every day to work. One morning he asked me what I did at the library. Too exhausted to explain a doctoral program to a toddler, I answered, “Auntie Kate reads books and writes stuff.” He paused for a moment, then he responded very serious, “Why do you read books and write stuff?” I was stunned and speechless. I had no answer for him. I had forgotten why I was doing the program in the first place. All I could see was my own fear of failure. My nephew’s question lived in the back of my mind that day. I was concerned that I could not answer it. So, I decided to rest for the first time in two years. The next day I stayed home. I watched television with my mother and played Yahtzee with my grandmother. My father, brother and I played cards. I read books to my nephew. Little by little, I felt calmer and lighter. I returned to university feeling rested and with a renewed sense of purpose. In my time home, I realized that I was letting fear drown out the call from the Holy Spirit. Through my nephew’s words, the Holy Spirit was teaching me something (Jn 14:26). I learned that I had allowed fear to control me rather than allowing faith in God to guide me. I realized that I was not only afraid that I would fail. I was afraid that I would not do well and everyone I knew would look down on me or think less of me. I was afraid of the sacrifices I might have to make to stay in the program. Having been in school my whole life, I never experienced the rootedness that comes from staying in one place. I was afraid of how my life would change after I finished the program. This was the true root of my fear: change. That is what God truly asks of us — radical transformation. This transformation can be frightening because we do not know where it will lead. It can also come with sacrifice and loss as we shed our old selves and grow into our renewed selves. No matter what we do or how we try to hide from God’s call, we will not feel right until we take the path that we know in our hearts God has laid out for us. The Holy Spirit was sent to us to guide and teach us. The Holy Spirit pushes us to let go of our fears and embrace the unique person that God created each of us to be. As scary as it may seem to trust God’s will and to let ourselves be transformed, we will never be settled until we let go of our fear and follow the pull of the Holy Spirit. May you go forward from this Easter season with a renewed sense of trust in God and the Holy Spirit.
About the Author Kate Oxsen is an assistant professor of Old Testament studies at Catholic Theological Union.